The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
