she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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