I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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