i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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