His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
