so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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