I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize