I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
