here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
