at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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