I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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