I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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