apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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