Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
