I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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