why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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