I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
