Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
