thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
