Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
