If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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