I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
