Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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