phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The air was thick with penises
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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