My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize