Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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