I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
