Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
