When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
