i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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