Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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