Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i came on her dog
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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