I just pynch a tree in the face
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
