I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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