woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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