Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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