I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
