Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize