FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
