I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
