Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
