went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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