I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
