does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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