So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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