They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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