Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
