i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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