Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
