I faked an abortion last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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