Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize