i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
