and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hippo gnu deer
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
