dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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