nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
