I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
