im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
