I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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