I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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