Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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