I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
