I should be sponsored by Trojan
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
